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Stern Talking To

August 12, 2016

Yesterday I tweeted:

You ever just think you know, I need to sit myself down and give myself a stern talking to.

So this is myself talking sternly (ok, maybe more honestly) to myself and beginning to be ok with the limitations of my body, my lifestyle, and my desire.

Let’s start with my body.

I struggle with a couple of chronic conditions which are both made better by exercising, and make exercising more complicated.

My family has a history of additional conditions which can be made better/can be made worse by exercising.

My genetic body composition is more “Marilyn Monroe” than “athlete.” Jumping is tough, y’all.

I am allergic to poultry and eggs, the two best sources of lean protein.

Ok now on to my lifestyle.

I have a demanding job that is a 45 minute commute from my house and requires that I work past dark at least 1 night a week.

I have 2 kids who go to schools which are far away and therefore require me to drive them there.

One kid is in Karate and wants to go several nights per week. The other kid needs a sport or an activity.

I’m in a wonderful relationship which I am determined to nurture. If I learned anything from my failed marriage it’s that relationships are their own entity and require care and intentional consideration.

My house is always a mess.

Now, my desires.

I want to be fit and strong.

I want to be healthy.

I want to overcome/make better these conditions.

I want to look better.

I want to look GOOD.

I want to get this done without neglecting my family, my relationship, my home, or my job.

So when I take all of this into consideration, and try to come up with a way to fulfill my desires within the parameters of what my body is capable of and what my lifestyle will accommodate, I am…stumped.

Looking at this, I see why my half-marathon training has been… sporadic at best. I know there are people busier than me who are running right now. Thanks, random internet meme of shame.

Good for them. I just can’t.

I’m not one to just whine. I am all about action, solutions, figuring it out, in this and every aspect of my life. But for this? It isn’t working. Taking immediate action is not getting results. Jumping in with both feet is ending disastrously.

Maybe I just need to sit with this for a bit.(“This” specifically being the exercise portion of the dilemma. Oh, and the underlying causes of course.)

Maybe I need some help to (finally) figure out the root. The cause. The wall I can’t climb. The barrier between where I am and where I want to be.

I know that a diet high in protein and low in refined carbs is what I need to follow. It’s not (currently) what I want…but it’s what I need. So let’s work towards the diet portion. Small, sustainable changes.

I know that exercising for an hour a day is ideal, but I am not happy with any of the things I’ve tried so far. Maybe I need to be ok with trying a bunch of new things (one at a time) even if they cost money (but not a lot) and saying hey – karate SOUNDS like a great idea but it’s not for me. But adult swimming lessons and swimming every day IS for me.

Why is there not a Facebook quiz for this? (Or IS THERE?!)

So here’s what I can control and make progress on while figuring out the rest.

I can drink more water.A bottle of water between each diet soda…and water when I eat out. And warm water with lemon first thing in the am.

I can walk for an hour a day. I have all of the equipment for that. Feet, shoes. Which hour though? Calm down, brain. Let’s try this – which hour TODAY?

I can track what I eat and get closer to my physician-prescribed macros and calories. I can learn to eat fish. And maybe kale. Probably not though.

I can think. Think about nothing. Think about everything. Think about if this is something I can solve myself or if I need some help. Would the EMDR therapy that has been recommended to me help?

I can think about other exercises I might want to try. Swimming? Karate? Yoga?  9 Rounds? Crossfit? Maybe running is the thing after all. Maybe it’s not. Why does karate appeal to me but Zumba doesn’t?  Why do I resist spending money on tools when I have no problem spending money on the very things that are making the situation worse?

I can think about why I want to run when I am not training for something, but the moment I sign up for a race, no matter how much I want to do it, I stall.

I can  think about how I can do this without talking it to death.

I can think about why.

I can think about how far I have already come. How the 50ish pounds I have left to lose is a much smaller mountain than the 135 I started out with.

I can unsubscribe to every body-shaming, fat-shaming, fitspo, inspirational, one-size fits-all bullshit and figure out what works for me. I’m not cookie cutter – my challenges are unique and so are my strengths and so are my goals. Reading articles or memes or blog posts or books that makes me feel guilty or ashamed….that’s not helping. I cannot shame myself into doing anything. I can only love myself enough to want to do what works best for me.

I also know that I like to set huge goals and then I get overwhelmed and I quit.

So how about I do these things…today.

Just for today.

Starting tomorrow. 🙂









One Comment leave one →
  1. June 20, 2017 11:11 am

    I was kinda hurt when you closed the door on our connection. It was friends, nothing more. You were someone I could relate to, yet couldn’t help. We were both on crutches. I see you’ve divorced and found out there is a bright light on the other side with someone that cares. I met Libby, with whom you’ve known on her blog I suppose. UnderACarolinaMoon. She discovered life after divorce as well as I. We were married July 24th two years ago coming up. The discovery of each other has been phenomenal. It’s the two parts of one soul come together. I find more each day the truth of committing to a marriage of 37 years was by far the largest mistake in my life and a hurt to someone else at my expense. I knew from the start it would fail. She tried to leave me twice and in my upbringing that once you married, you toughed it through. Tough doesn’t make a relationship. I know your background of faith somewhat, I suppose. I believe God brought Libby and I together even though we made some wrong decisions in the process. It was still meant to be. I took the hit when I left and I’m paying for it. Personally life with Libby is wonderful. Alimony is another story altogether. I’m moving on in the part of life called “retirement”. It’s been in itself easy enough, but the financial part is surely an adjustment. I’ve taken a part time job as a dealer trade driver for an auto group. I get to ride the country side and not have to think. I hope you have found what you’re looking for in life.

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