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March 21, 2011

There’s really not a lot of room in my head right now. It’s filled with excitement over an upcoming beach trip with a wonderful, dear friend. It’s filled with excitement/apprehension about an upcoming move (700+ miles away!) and reunification of our family…and all the related househunting, job hunting, school hunting, house cleaning-out, house-selling, money losing, please Jesus just let us break even out of this thing-ness. It’s filled with friends I’m leaving, it’s filled with spring, with allergies, with not sleeping, with sleeping too much. It’s filled with worries about my dad and his recent surgery/complication, new rehab center, new restrictions from the insurance company…it’s filled with anxiety about my mom and how much she has to deal with, and of course I worry about my own health and sanity and stress level…my head, in other words, is a hot mess.

Thank God I have therapy tomorrow.

Because the two things I WANT to focus on – the two things I NEED to focus on – weight loss and novel writing – are nowhere on that list.

So how do I prioritize my headspace? How do I clear the clutter in my mind to make room for what I really want? I can do it in my house, my office, my facebook friends list…but I can’t seem to do it in my own mind, the place I am most in charge of.

Maybe it’s time to try again with meditation. Exercise. Yoga.

Maybe I need therapy more than once every three weeks.

Maybe I need to figure out how people really, truly let go, and let God. I thought I had done that, until I consistently woke up at 2:00 am for a solid week, my mind spinning, my eyes too tired to open but the voices in my head too loud and screechy to let me sleep.

Maybe I need to just accept that this is how it is, and my headspace will have to expand to include those things I really want to include.

Maybe I need to go quiet on social media, and not even look at it…maybe I need to use that stress-induced insomnia to write, to exercise, to clean out my damn closet.

Maybe if I could take a deep breath, live every moment (or most moments) with deliberate care and full presence, and be a little less hard on myself, and set some time limits on everything – maybe…maybe I could create some room in my head for this stuff I want.

Because I DO want it, right? Of course I do. So why is it I can’t seem to find, or make, room for it?

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