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Freudian Slip

December 13, 2010
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December 10 –  Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)

The best decision I made this year was the decision to start therapy. Well, actually, I have known for years that I needed therapy. This year I finally took action on this decision. And it has been 100% worth it. I have been going for 3 months and it has truly made a difference.

I am better with boundaries, with taking action, with being intentional than I ever thought I could be. I actually FEEL the emotions I have heard so much about, like loneliness. Sadness. Disappointment. Anger. ANGER. This is big for me. I feel the depression  I have unknowingly fought for years beginning to recede. I feel the situational anxiety I’ve tried to avoid for years starting to settle down.  I am beginning to escape the codependence that I have allowed to hold me hostage for most of my adult life. I know it may sound negative that I’m feeling all these particular emotions…but it’s GOOD.  For years I have ducked them, stuffed them down, ignored them, pretended like only good things were happening and that I was only feeling the unbearable lightness of being. And do you know what I think happens, when I ignore the bad stuff?  I lose my compass for seeing the good stuff. I don’t know what feels GOOD because I refuse to feel BAD. So normal feels bad, good feels normal and it takes something truly miraculous to make me feel good. And everything is skewed, and fucked up, and crazy. So resetting my compass to true north has been a very good thing – I am able to feel the good for what it is, and I can stop chasing the miraculous. I believe in miracles, sure. But it’s unrealistic to expect miracles to be at my beck and call.

Today we had a therapist come into our staff meeting and provide an in-service on managing the work/life balance…and one of the exercises we did was looking in the “closets” of various aspects of our lives and kind of see how well certain things are being handled. And I have to say that I am doing markedly better in many areas she asked us to think about. This was great for me to see – it made all the work and money and time and energy and investment worth it. And I realized – I DO feel better.  Stronger. More in control. More thoughtful about things.

I wish I had started therapy years ago. I encourage everyone I know to go to therapy. It’s probably the best thing I have ever done just for me, though ultimately it benefits the people around me as well.

Therapy. It’s what’s for dinner.

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