The old me thought,
in bright-eyed, misplaced naïveté,
that I would never dream of changing
what transpired between us.
that the walk across shattered glass had been worth it,
in the end.
that the wisdom gathered could be gathered
no other way.
The old me thought that the strength and beauty I discovered within myself
had to be discovered through you.
I thought that traveling back, undoing it all
would leave me still wondering,
But many days have passed now,
many nights, many hours of thinking and imagining
and twisting my hair and biting my lip
and wishing….useless, aimless, fruitless wishing
have lapsed between what didn’t happen
and this moment,
when I awoke from dreams to the fully-formed
if I could close the loop I would.
If I could go back and undo all we did and didn’t do
and think and say and want,
The lessons learned this time were learned before.
The leopard doesn’t change his spots.
The thing I need most is the thing you could never give me.
The thing I fear most is the refuge you will always seek.
If it was meant to be, it would have been.
I knew this then, I know this now.
I’d close the loop.
I’d take it back.
I’d save us both the heartache and the sadness and the wishing and the pretending and the roller-coaster that never ended,
and I’d just accept, the first time around,
what was always,